I’m currently experiencing a unique type of loss. the type of loss of something I never really had. It’s weird to mourn something that never had a face, never breathed or lived.
I’d never think I’d be so torn up over losing something that I never saw.
My husband and I have been trying to conceive for some time now. It had been impossible, and for 5 years I wondered what was wrong with me. What was so bad about me that I wasn’t allowed to experience what being a parent was like. Every month, every new issue was a new way to tear myself apart.
Finally after years of wondering why, I was diagnosed with PCOS, I was put on medication and subsequently became pregnant. I was elated, my husband and I secretly celebrated and talked about how we’d raise our child. We’ve had named picked for what seems like a lifetime and it all seemed to be so real now.
A trip to the doctor promptly took all of our hopes away, when it was discovered that there was nothing. Only a gestational sac, no embryo, no anything. We still held on to hope for one more week, waiting for a miracle. On our next doctor appointment the heartbreak was only worse. After endless blood tests and many other exams, the doctor came into the room and explained to me what my options were. I could let this pregnancy die naturally, I could induce it, or I could have surgery to remove the already dead tissue from inside of me. Every option sounded horrible, none of them were situations I wanted to be in. His voice seemed like an echo, I couldn’t feel the needle in my arm, or the coldness in the room.. I couldn’t feel. All I could do was stare at the doctor as if he was speaking a foreign language.
He assured me everything would be okay. He assured me I would be a parent one day, and he gave me the medication I needed to induce a miscarriage and he let me get dressed. I sat in that dark room for what seemed like an eternity. Waiting to hear the doctor run back and tell me how it was a mistake, how all of this was wrong. It seemed wrong.
I came home and debated on whether I should take the medication. My body made the decision for me and that same day I began to miscarry naturally.
I won’t know whether I’m in the clear yet or not. I guess I’ll find out on my next appointment.
For now, I just tell myself I’m okay. Maybe I won’t feel so terrible later on when the shock of it has passed.
2017 has really been interesting so far.